I’m at a point in my life where a lot of habits are catching up to me. Some good. Some bad.
I often get caught up in auditing everything around me. What my energy is going towards, how I’m spending my time, my company, where my money is going, where my mind wanders, the whole 9. This isn’t a bad thing by any means. I just tend to forget one very important component..
Who am I turning into? Do I practice what I preach? Do I exude every trait I value? & most importantly… am I everything I say I am?
For a long time, I’ve fallen victim to being certain ways that I never expected to be. I’ve picked up traits along the way that do not belong to me. I’m slowly teaching myself to unlatch from a lot of this, while also trying to figure out where I went wrong.
All of me wants to place the blame on ego-driven society, toxicity, and negativity that inevitably surrounds every one of us. But although those are contributing factors, those are just external. There has been something about me, internally, that has contributed to this as well.
I have been fighting my authenticity for far too long.
When I come to think of it, my idea of the woman I want to be has been blurred. This image in my head has been distracted, distorted, and completely displaced, because I didn’t take the necessary time to invest in her. I had no clear image, therefore, I had no sense of direction. Whoever I was trying to be, was everything but myself.
I will be the first to admit that my self-talk has been easily swayed by inconsistent waves of trends that the world goes through. I never allowed myself to amount up to being adequate enough to meet standards the world set for me. When in reality, I never will. & that’s okay.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about fighting authenticity is…it fights back. No matter how much you stray away from it, you will always be, well, you. Since this is the case, then, why fight it?
I’m teaching myself to unlearn these bad habits of mine, while learning new ones that plant the right seeds for my growth. Acceptance, praise, “wow” factors, and the hype have began to bore me beyond measure. What truly excites me, is taking the necessary time to invest in myself from the inside out. Perfecting and tweaking this image of the woman I strive to be has been at the top of my to-do list, and I’m learning that I won’t ever be able to see her until I accept myself in my entirety and at my capacity right now. I choose to not to fight who I am anymore.
The biggest project you will ever work on is yourself.
This project is meant to be difficult, testing, disappointing, and beautiful all at once. Because at the end, you will know exactly who you are turning into. You will be proud enough to genuinely practice what you preach. You will effortlessly exude every single trait you value. And, most importantly, you will be every single thing you say you are.
“I pray you allow what God has put in your heart to guide you, more than what the world has put before your eyes.” -Rob Hill Sr.
Photo via: Tyson M. (Swim Portraits)
-Keilani M Afalava