Lately, more than ever, I’ve been coming across an experience I dread every single time it comes around.
No one really likes to talk about their fears or what scares them the most unless it’s for pity or for some type of attention or resource. But what I’ve realized is that it’s inevitable. & to hide it only feeds more of it to grow. At least, that’s what it’s done for me.
The scariest thing I’m facing right now is myself in a way. An old me. A me who I’ve tried time and time again to get away from.
I’m sensitive. I’m vulnerable. I’m broken in some areas, and whole in others. I’m excessively judgmental of myself. Often times too much.
Why am I like this?
I have entirely too big of a heart. That’s why.
This has been a blessing and a curse at the same time. It’s a beautiful thing to give love in any way you can. But the downside of this, is that it molds you into an easy target to feel the most destructing pain if not handled with care.
This is what I’m afraid of. I’m absolutely terrified of becoming so comfortable with anyone or anything that jeopardizes this heart of mine in the long run. Because piecing it back together time and time again has been far from easy.
Whenever my effort is not reciprocated, whenever I face inadequacy, whenever I fall short, and especially whenever I begin to feel comfortable, I face this fear.
It does so many different things to me. I become distant and I suffer internally more than anything. I prefer to throw a smile on my face in front of everyone instead of have them ask those three words that make me cringe every time I hear them how are you?
It’s hard to explain this to someone who doesn’t have the same heart as I do. And I don’t expect everyone to understand. But what this also means is not everyone is equipped to experience the heart that I do have. I’ve learned the hard way that not everyone is deserving.
I can speak from experience that the second you allow someone to hold your heart with hands whose intentions were never to nurture it, you set yourself up for failure. I’ve done myself a disservice in the past from thinking everyone deserved my heart. Let’s just say, I was quickly rerouted.
So, what do I do about this heart of mine?
I choose to continue to have an overflowing amount of love in my giving heart, no matter how many people take and take from it.
I choose to perfect my picker, and be sure that the most deserving people get to experience it.
I choose to accept apologies I may never receive from undeserving people in the past – family, friends, significant others, and even myself at some times.
& I choose to not allow any pain, ache, or bruise to ruin what I’ve found to be one of the most genuine parts of me.
At the end of the day, I love to love. I love to give. I’m far from perfect, but I’m learning to accept the fact that I will not allow this world to turn me cold. No matter how much it scares me, no matter how disappointed I become, and no matter if I bruise easily – I choose love.
“She is proof that you can walk through hell and still be an angel.” -r.h. Sin
Photo via: Game of Tones
-Keilani M Afalava