Clarity is truly a state of mind.
Once you realize that you create the environment you live in, you’ll start to take your space more seriously.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again – when you elevate to new levels of your life, you can’t take everyone with you. Your future isn’t built to carry dead weight. YOU aren’t built to carry dead weight.
You do yourself the most self-destructing disservice when you keep people – friends, relationships, acquaintances, energy – around you who are toxic for you. Too many times do we tolerate harmful or meaningless energy. & the worst thing we can ever do to ourselves is put our well-being in jeopardy.
In order for us to grow, we have to come to terms with the fact that it is okay to be picky with who we call our friends, significant other, whoever. We need to realize that some people were put in our lives strictly to teach us, and that’s okay. Sometimes we’re put in other peoples’ lives strictly to teach them, and that’s okay too. We need to become severely focused on character flaws that show up around us. The values people carry and decisions they make for themselves will tell you a lot about what they can offer you. It may seem heartless, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with auditing your relationships.
As we get older, our picker gets better. I’ve made the constant mistake of assuming that just because someone is in my life, that means they should know personal things about me and also that they should always be present. Let me put this in the nicest way possible – God showed me I was completely wrong for this.
Experiences have taught me to categorize my friendships. I have fun friends, I have convenient friends, and I have advantageous friends…
My fun friends are the ones I might hang out with on weekends every now and then, or bump into at certain events. For me, these are typically people I see occasionally when we’re both in town or we have some type of event we’re looking to attend together.
My convenient friends are people who I may spend more of my time with, because we either serve some type of function for each other, or our circles intertwine with each other. For me, these are people who are brothers or sisters of my closer friends, people I work with, or those who I see pretty consistently due to location.
My advantageous friends are just that – beneficial for my being. These are the closest people to me, the ones I spend most of my energy with, and those I see holding important places in mine, my future children, and my future family’s lives. These people hold the most purpose, necessity, and trust with me.
Each category of friends know different aspects about me and my life, and that’s INTENTIONAL. The problem I, and I’m sure many people, have had before is thinking everyone who was in my life automatically had to be advantageous. They were a part of my life, so they have to be close to me. I made the mistake of making convenient and fun friends seem like they were advantageous for me, when in reality they weren’t qualified for the position, and I was not prepared for their reality to show.
Life has a funny way of showing you what to avoid when it comes to your energy. People from the past have projected their fears onto me, they’ve shown true colors, and the like. I know I’m not perfect. I may not have been a perfect friend to everyone I’ve given that title to in the past, just as previous people haven’t been to me. But what I do know is that I learned to stop negotiating the type of energy I surround myself with. And I know what to avoid in the future.
- Avoid people who can’t celebrate your highs. Insecurities always show up in any type of friendship/relationship.
- Avoid people who keep tally marks of what they’ve done for you. People who care more about getting credit for “what they did” instead of why they did plant negativity.
- Avoid the person who is everyone’s friend OR the person who constantly has new friends. I’m pretty sure this is self-explanatory. I’ll just leave this here.
- Avoid the person who can’t stick up for him/herself. If they can’t stand stick up for themselves, they won’t be able to stick up for you.
- Avoid the person who creates unnecessary competition. Anyone who is truly happy for you will want to see you do well and thrive. Anyone who isn’t, or anyone who sees you as a threat, creates this competition between you and him/her. And, trust me, all this does is weigh you down.
- Avoid the “still” people. Something I always say is you can always tell the most about people from their work on themselves. Now, I’m not saying to leave your friend in their dark times when they’re facing life’s inevitable lows. But what I am saying is pay attention to the life they’ve created for themselves and how it may rub off on you and your energy.
At the end of the day, you don’t always get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate. Your energy, your aura, and your space should NEVER be negotiated. The good thing is, we’re in total control of this. I encourage you to shift your focus towards people who help you broaden your comfort zone, appreciate you effortlessly, and are on your team no matter who is in front of them. Once I did this, doors began to open for me that I wasn’t even aware of at the time. Understand that the hardest times of our lives are when we are transitioning to a better version of ourselves. And not everyone will, and should, get to experience that. Protect your space.
“When you change, you will be prepared to choose wholeness. When you’re ready for something better, you will be separated from whatever is broken. You will never outgrow somebody who’s truly meant to be beside you.” -Rob Hill Sr.
Photo via: Neva/Creator Class
– Keilani M Afalava