Have you ever asked yourself if you have the patience that “becoming yourself” requires?

Somehow, we’ve all become obsessed with things we’ve never had or experienced. We always want more. We want money. We get it. We want more. We want expensive things. We get them. We want more. We want a certain person. We get him or her. We want more.

We crave the possibility of “better.”

We crave potential beyond what we have.

The problem is simple – putting our desires in things we know nothing of.

Society and media today have gone lengths to program our minds to setting our goals to be like other people, or seek their approval. Too often do we work hard for impression rather than for ourselves. We’ve shifted our goals from individuals to resembling someone else. & for some reason, the truest versions of ourselves is never enough.

This is why we portray what we believe is the best about us. On social media, and especially in front of people. It’s inevitable to an extent, but we’ve become comfortable in searching for perfection. & this is an endless path.

I think the reason we search for perfection in others, is because we crave perfection for ourselves. But we know that’s impossible… So we hunt for that impossibility in anyone but ourselves, to make us feel whole.

Why do we try to find ourselves within other people?

Are we truly whole before we let people in? Have our wants gravitated towards what will be societally acceptable?

We want what we see as the best of other people. We want what we think is reality.

Filling voids became a commonality. We don’t want the worst of people. Because we can’t even accept our flaws, so how could we accept theirs? We don’t want the hardships that relationships come with. We want a picture to post, and everyone to be like, “wow, that’s you?” We don’t want the flaws everyone carry, but we want the person we choose to be a ‘good look.’ That satisfies our void – the acceptance of others.

If we think about it, we don’t appreciate what we have, because we’re used to constant dissatisfaction of what’s right in front of us. Instead of focusing on what we’ve invested in, we’re already yearning for the next best thing. It’s a cycle.

There’s always “more” out there. There’s always someone who is more attractive. Someone who has a more lucrative career. Someone who comes from a ‘better’ family. Someone who dresses differently. Someone whose hobbies are ‘more intriguing.’ Someone who has higher status. Whatever the “more” is, they’re out there.

Constantly wishing for more makes our search for happiness, love, companionship, or anything endless. We need to shift our focus from acceptance to contentment. We need to crave longevity, and not approval. Most importantly, we need to be whole within ourselves before allowing someone else to fill our voids. That’s not their job..it never has been.

Appreciate people’s flaws. That makes them human.

Value the effort given from genuine treatment. That is more promising than settling for something that society congratulates you on.

Crave moments to look back on. These hold more validity than opinion or a dope picture.

Find yourself and love yourself before you allow someone to project their own fears or insecurities on to you. If you are whole, these projections will bounce back and not consume you. But if you’re not, these projections become a part of you.

I know I’m not perfect. But if I know anything from experience.. it’s this.

When we are our emptiest, we’re truly searching for more of ourselves. But our vision gets clouded by what we perceive will make us whole. We crave everything that we’re not, instead of craving our own potential and chasing after it. We rest in comfort too often. We seek attention, approval, “wow” factors, compliments, numbers (likes, comments, money). Then we get something or someone who satisfies one of these categories, and it brings joy for a period of time, until we’re quickly rerouted to the same path in the beginning. It really never ends.

We need to face ourselves. We need to accept ourselves. We need to build our worth on personal measures rather than what we think people will favor. We need to believe in our own potential rather than believing in and prioritizing everyone else’s. We need to take control of our vision, our path, and our love. Place goals in ourselves rather than what we see depicted or portrayed in media. Most importantly, we need to realize that we are not candidates who need to showcase what we believe someone might “like” about us. We’re human beings, with traits that make us exactly who we are and no one else. & that, in itself, will always be enough.

“You have to be willing  to approach your own darkness with an open mind if you wish for growth.” -Cirino

Photo: Magritte (Diane via Pursuit of Portraits)

-Keilani M Afalava


3 thoughts on “Missing

  1. The question I would pose to you would be ‘wouldn’t finding ones true self be the equivalent of looking directly at their own eyeballs’? For so long as one uses a mirror to look at a reflection of ones self, isn’t the reflection just a copy of what you want to see? Perfect example would be a computer needing updates. During that process, how can the computer that’s in need of updating be left in charge of the updating? So how would one, in you’re words, go about seeking to find thy self? I derive these questions from the paragraph about finding yourself and not conforming to society (one of the last paragraphs you wrote). And what are your views on the use of “religion” as a ways of instilling principles in people?

    I ask all those questions as to kind of figure out what you view as ‘a persons true self’.

    I apologize for the rant and lengthy questions. Well written piece by the way. AAccidentally came across this but I hope you continue to share you’re thoughts. I look forward to your next work


  2. I really enjoyed this read. I feel like many people will be able to relate, so I’m glad you’re writing about topics such as this! Thanks girl!


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