I’m a work in progress. Every day I’m learning something new about myself, or changing something in the slightest bit, just to perfect this woman God made me to be.
But in the midst of all of this, I’m not perfect. I’ll be human, make mistakes and be wrong with my decisions and judgment from time to time.
So you’ll have to excuse me, and I apologize..
I have some issues with trusting people. I’m such a transparent person and I love to dive deep into getting to know other people and expect them to do the same with me. But even when I’ve done this, and allowed people to trust me with their lives, I can’t say everyone I have opened up to was deserving. It’s a shitty feeling. I’m learning to balance this now. But that’s the thing, I’m still learning. I might not be as open with people as I’m in this process, but I promise if you’re patient with me, I’m worth the wait.
I’m a broken piece from my past, who is still trying to mend herself together. I’ve been cheated on. Lied to. Beaten. Had my heart ripped apart by people I thought would take care of it. How do you ever heal from things like that? I’m learning. I’m trying. The verbal abuse I’ve dealt with has taken such a toll on my mental that I hear the words that were said ringing in my head every. single. day. A lot of people might say “they’re just words” or “who cares what people say” but let me tell you, consistent negativity can consume even the strongest people. I’ve come a long way, but I’m far from where I want to be when it comes to my mental strength in this department. However, I’m learning, very slowly, that it all starts with me. The only person who can build yourself up can and SHOULD be only you. My emotions may slip up from time to time, but again, if you’re patient with me, my progress will surprise you. I promise.
I made the mistake of letting the wrong people love me. & I’ve always been the type of person who had to learn the hard way. Would you believe me if I told you that not just your significant other is capable of breaking your heart? Friends. Family members. Anyone. I’m a firm believer in whatever that God has out there for me, will never miss me. But I’ve noticed this pattern of me holding on to people who aren’t good for me for entirely too long. Maybe it’s because I’m too nice. Maybe it’s because I think I’ll never find someone like them again. But I have to face the harsh reality that sometimes the pros don’t outweigh the cons. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. Just because someone is good to you for a period of time, does not mean they’re good for you overall and especially for your growth as a person. Getting older, I’m realizing that the people I surround myself with are SO paramount to me – who I am and where I’m trying to be. I’m learning to step out of my comfort zone and break this pattern in my life. Please be patient with me.
Love is a foreign word to me now. I’ve been learning a lot the past few months about my taste in men and what I look for. Really, I feel like I’m just learning more and more that I’m ridiculously picky, but I’m not apologetic about that. I came to realize that I don’t care how long it takes me to find someone who meets every requirement – yes, every requirement. I realized, looking back on my past, that it was because I didn’t set standards, boundaries, and requirements why nothing worked out with anyone before. I focused on being overly understanding when I needed to pump the breaks way sooner. I like to take my time to really feel things out and see them how they truly are rather than looking through enhanced and understanding lenses, and if you can’t respect that, I’m not the one for you.
I think the biggest work in progress I have going on in my life right now is strengthening my relationship with God. When I was in church this past week, I genuinely felt like I was spoken to directly. I feel like this a lot when I’m at church, but this past week was just even more personal and direct than ever. My pastor’s mother spoke to us about approaching Jesus the way we are. I always judged myself for what people would say about me, or for knowing that I didn’t want to go to church because I didn’t want the people there to judge me like they have in the past. But she made it clear to us that Jesus genuinely wants a relationship with us. We can come to Him just the way we are. Just the way we are. I made the decision, right then and there, to face Him the way I am at this very moment. Flawed, a sinner, but yearning to have a relationship with Him just as much as He is with me. THIS was by far the best decision I’ve ever made, and I pray that this process just furthers God’s work in me and the woman He wants me to be. It’s definitely a work in progress, but I’m thankful for this new beginning with Him.
I’m truly learning each and every day to trust God and His timing. And also trusting the course He already had planned out for me. Everything around me is changing right now, especially me. But I’m learning to fall in love with the process of progression and transformation. Whether that means going through something painful, breaking habits, creating new ones, or changing the course of my life in any way, I have faith that it is all for the betterment of me as a whole. Patience. Handle with care.
“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” Isaiah 66:9
Photo: Oscar Nilsson
-Keilani M. Afalava