“Not everyone loves the way you do.” This statement couldn’t be any more true.
Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I get caught up thinking that people are like me, but then when they do something I wouldn’t do, I get surprised and think of the audacity they have to do something like that.. But I always have to resurface and remind myself that not everyone is gonna think, react, do, say, or even love like I do.
Even though this is the case, I still set expectations for whoever is next. Call me crazy, but these expectations are like standards.
I get so tired of seeing the whole “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” thing. That ends up getting feelings involved and then both people have to watch every single little word that they say, because it’s under a microscope. Unclear expectations, if any. Then typically one person gets too involved, the other uses verbiage to confuse the situation even more but in hopes of keeping the other right where they want them. And if the other person were to leave? They can’t be mad, because you “kept it real from jump”. You feel a little better about yourself, because you didn’t “lead them on,” even though you know you did. Then you have the audacity to call the other one “not a rider”….
Everyone says they want this ideal woman. Conservative. Doesn’t show her body off on social media. Doesn’t go out much. She cooks for her man. She raises their two children. The “good” girl.
Yet the women you’ve chosen to entertain don’t embody this character…in fact, they embody the opposite.
Famous on social media for their appearance. No real job, but always out of town. (Think about who pays for that… I’ll wait). A woman who yearns for attention and other people to build her confidence up. The woman who leaves nothing for you to uncover.. it’s all right there for everyone to see on social media. She cares about announcing the name-brand shoes and clothes she wears, the car she drives, places she visits. You would never wife her, but you’d invest time into her, because she’s a prize. She’s wanted by other men, so you’d feel accomplished if she was yours for a period of time, but never for the long run. Ironic….
This is the reciprocation thing I’m talking about. What you choose should reflect what you want in the long run. And on another note, what you ARE should reflect what you expect out of a person you’re investing any time in. Why waste your time with people you know you wouldn’t see a future with?
And don’t get me wrong. Whatever I want to see in whoever’s next, is exactly what I’ll be providing as well. I don’t like someone who gets distraught by everything that has fame, glitter, and gold attached to it, because I don’t. Even if there’s something I see that’s an admirable characteristic about someone, I’ll see if I match. If not, I’ll change something if it betters me as a person. Reciprocity. I’ve always found that the things I’ve settled for in relationships with people in my past have always ended up being the problems that tore us apart. I’ll be sure this doesn’t ever continue.
How do you define a “rider” anyways? I’m sure this is different for different people. But memes and clips of what other women do for their men have kind of created a cross-cultural definition.
A rider is a person who sticks around with you through hardships. She’s there for you when you’re at your lowest. She supports you and she helps you when you’re down.
But there’s a VERY fine line between being a rider & looking stupid. This can get taken completely out of context. Let’s just first say that if you’re in a committed relationship, and he’s treating you how he should, that “rider” role has no bounds. BUT if you’re just seeing someone, it’s easy to look stupid.
People try to say they need to “see” if a girl is a rider before wifing her, and this is just bs to me. Girls will cook for, do laundry for, give their cars to, spend their money on, and even hold down men that aren’t even their man. Doing wifey duties without a title, because he doesn’t “do the whole title thing”….
I’ve definitely been there before. I know it all too well. After leaving a domestic violence relationship, I’ve heard I wasn’t a rider and I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. Let me tell you.. Leaving someone who’s toxic for you doesn’t mean you were never there for them or you’re not a rider. It means you’re not stupid. Don’t let society’s emphasis on being a rider for your man make you look like a fool in the long run. You can do better, babygirl.
BE the person you want. CHOOSE the people you want in the long run. Time is so, so precious. You can’t get it back. So don’t waste it on things, even people, you know you don’t want 5-10 years from now, and stop focusing on short-term satisfaction. Reciprocate. What you are should reflect not only the people you choose to be in your life, but also the people you attract into your life. Don’t settle for doing things for and investing your time into someone who can’t reciprocate what you want. If it’s toxic for you, you have the power and the strength to leave. & Know that your effort is time, and it’s just as precious and sacred – not everyone should get the chance to experience it. And whoever’s next, I promise I’ll be everything I look for in you. I want that unconditional, boundless love. Passionate love. Someone who realizes I’m a work in progress, and I strive to be a better woman every day. Someone who is so much more than what people think. Someone who offers more than their career, money, or status, if any. Someone who can teach people a lesson in humility just through the way they carry themselves. Someone who praises God with me. Someone who can challenge me. Respect me. Be loyal. And so much more. I promise you’ll get the same. I’m not on the search, but what I offer is what I expect in return. Reciprocity.
“The reality is, you could be amazing, genuine, and sincere, but still be overlooked. But honestly, people don’t want something real anymore, they just want reasons to complain and excuses to avoid. Having a good thing is so hard because meeting a strong person is so rare. So I’ve learned to respect when people run from me, I realize my kind of love ain’t for everybody. I’m at peace with that.” -Rob Hill Sr.
-Keilani M Afalava